Bins and Bringham

” Dear Karthik ,”

Imagine a time , a place , an age where everything was perfect. Imagine the softest of piano music playing in your ears. Close your eyes and imagine embracing something that gives your immense warmth and peace. Imagine that memory. Imagine the tiniest of glimmer in the eyes, the gentle wrinkle that forms on the paradigm ends of the mouth when one smiles. Imagine what it meant , it felt to be blissfully happy.

It was such a time for me. The year , now a faded memory. It probably was a saturday. It had always been a saturday.

The drive back home was the same. I had decided to hit the open highway. The sun was at its warmest best. The car’s bluetooth speaker system had kept the call connected. We were busy continuing the conversation from the previous evening. The foundation of the future had started to appear. The road ahead felt like it would be a two year stint in the United Kingdom. Was I excited ? Not really. It was an escape at the best. The excitement or better still, the anxiety had come from a different direction. Like a dense thick monsoon rain in Kerala, the call had come after a draughted haitus of more than a year. It was the year when I was the most miserable that I had ever been. Now that I look back, I’ve endured worse years now. Back then, it was the worst.

The phone had rung. The nice pleasantaries had been exchanged quickly at great epic pace. The question of what’s new hopped over the horizon. UK.

” Always remember “

The conversation around the UK had spilled over to the next day. The previous evening I had a good laugh over her reference to ‘BringHam’. It was the magical land of chocolates and even then I knew Bringham didn’t exist. Birmingham does, Bring ham is verb and an object. I didn’t see a point to correct her. I enjoyed the folly. It was a rare oddity to catch her blunder. I remember the moment to be sweet. She spoke at great lengths about the chocolate factory. She walked me through her desire of being plagued by diabetes. She’d risk it all for chocolate. She went on about she didn’t care about the effects of such a massive sugar high on her system. None of that mattered.

The day came to a dawn. The call had died. The thoughts had come alive. I had two more days to go before I left behind the past. Or so I thought. There little voice of hope squeaked. If hope was a person, that person would have been seriously and gravely damaged from all the beating and bruising endured. I had grown wiser and smarter. I had learnt to respect reality. Things just didn’t Happen. I had managed to suppress hope and steer ahead with a poker face. Two more days and we could continue being strangers. Two more days and we’d no longer exist in one another’s universe. Two more days.

” That I “

The music turned back on, the car sang a lovely soothing lullaby. With hope dying a very slow dramatic death, with pragmatic mind sitting depressed in another corner, with life singing a tune of an optimistic new tomorrow, the music abruptly stopped. A call had interrupted the sound of music.

I can’t do this anymore, She declared. I’m seeing someone else.

It felt like an eternity had passed while I was trying to soak in the words that I had heard. I believe she must have walked me through how the bloke was, where they had met, how their innocent casual flirtations had blossomed into something tangible and something serious. I don’t know. I was hearing the words. I wasn’t listening. I couldn’t comprehend. Grief had took over. Pain had conquered once again. Tears had swelled up. I parked the car. I knew it wasn’t the time to pick a fight. It was the time to be an adult and accept.

Why are you telling me this dude? I asked

I can’t talk to you Karthik. Talking to you makes me feel guilty. It feels like I’m cheating on him.

Imagine all the peace in the world that you read in the begining. Now imagine HULK smashing it all to a million tiny bits and pieces. I wanted to lash out. I wanted to beast out. I wanted the comfort of screaming at another human. I wanted the peace of dehumanising myself for a moment again.

Remember, I said. The last time we fought, you said all that you were left with was the ugliness of the fights. I wanted to part away from your life with a few happy memories. I wanted to separate from you with you smiling. If you want my blessings for the new relationship, you have it. Best of luck. I really do wish that when you turn back time and look into the past, all you remember are these two days.

These two days we’ve smiled. We realised that we were good friends who enjoyed each other’s company. We realised how nice it felt to be together. Like all nice things come to an end, I’ll just call this the end. It would have lasted for two more days anyways. Thanks for being a part of my life.

Karthik….. I heard her say one last time. I had cut the call. The phone never rang that way ever again.

“Smile my best”

It’s been a decade now. I had the fortune of bumping into her at a mall back in chennai. She wasn’t my girl anymore. She was a wonderful mum of a bright young lad. Words weren’t spoken. Glances were averted. The silver lining, I finally got to meet her mother. She had a nice smile. It runs in the family.

All the regrets and pains of the past, I wouldn’t change a thing. There is the merit to have tried and lost than never having knowing what it meant to feel an emotion. Winning and losing are an outcome. The journey of experiencing emotions, the cycle of tears and smiles makes me a human. Acknowledging that fragile existence is so enlightening. Each failure of the past feels insignificant when we stack up all the failures in a chronological order. Every new day, we do something bigger, something newer. Each new defeat is first met with a worthy battle of a challenging fight.

One such new challenge was moving houses. I’ve never moved homes. I had to pack, unpack, sort and unsort things. My eyes fell over this battered piece of envelop. The envelop was handed to me. I was instructed to get home and read it. There wasn’t a point to ripping it open immediately and gorging through the sublime mundane words that might have been etched in ink on a common piece of writing paper. For years, through life’s many storms and broken dreams, I had kept it protected and cherised.

” When you are around.. Yours…………….. “

I picked it up. For a brief moment I had travelled backward and forward across that span of the decade. Enjoying the memories, burdened by them, pained and saddened, smling at the simplest romantic jester that I had been. I didn’t want that anymore. I gave it a read one last time.

” Dear Karthik

Always remember, I smile my best when you are around.


Bringham didn’t exist back then, I didn’t see a point in giving it an extended new life. I reached out to the black bag and binned the letter.

And just like that, a part of me that I had kept alive for the better part of the last decade Died. No tears were shed. A silent insignificant death without a soul to witness the departure.

There is no changing the past. There is no changing the future. There is no point in lamenting in the present. I had bigger challenges to overcome. Bags to pack, house to vacate and a new home to step into.


Katz, Coffee, Business

Katz, Coffee, Business. A moment of sanity passes by and then the words repeat themselves. Katz, Coffee, Business.. 

I wish i knew where I was. If I did, I could explain the words flowing in that sequence. I suspect that I’m already catatonic. Lost within myself. Shut off by shutting down well within the mind. The unconscious forced reboot leaves me with no cognizance of the state of the shut down. 

Katz, Karthik, Katz, Karthik.. the many names iterate. The faces calling them are both familiar and strange. Familiar because the commonality is that I don’t recognise any of them and strange because oddly I think I know them all. The names being called out, I keep smiling perpetually. I’m either smiling to acknowledge or smiling because I dont know what else to do. As I said, wish I could explain. If only I knew what was going on. 

The meeting rooms all over the world are same. Bright, well lit, speaker phones echoing and trying to compete with a Pink Floyd concert. The white board is littered with information that I think holds a significant meaning. If it did that, hope and wish that I had jotted it down. My concentration is shattered by the friendly meeting room attendant who periodically walks in and polls for the number of coffees, teas and other combinations of coffees and teas that people might want? Coffee , a pause later a few hands go up. I take a good look around. I realise my hands are not up. Funny, I think to myself. I’ve swapped sides and apparently I’m a tea junkie these days. Tea, the poll opens up again. My hands are still not up. Oh good lord, I’ve shifted to black tea. 

Katz, Coffee, Business.. the words continue to repeat. 

Coffee, I boldly declare. 

Excuse me, a puzzled voice looks up. Obviously, the bloke behind that counter is more annoyed that I could ever be. Why are you here?

And I’m pondering on that question now. 

Katz, Coffee, Business.

Why am I here? Karma. Cycle of birth and death. For I have sinned and I must repent. For I have atoned and I must walk forward. For I still am, one must perish. One doesn’t know why one is geographically tied to one place. That is not in the nature of the one. But quite reasonably, the other one is not interested in this view of the answer. 

Business. I reply.

A violent thud, the sound of a stamp bashing the passport jolts me up. I realised that I had dozed off and shut down. I wake up to find myself in a strange place. Nobody cares that I am there. Nobody knows me here. Lots of tables are around and empty chairs keeping the empty tables company. I laugh at the irony. Even emptiness yearns for a company. 

Apparently I’m in a canteen of sorts. Having woken from my slumber, I stumble my way to the nearest meeting room. I check the time. It’s almost time. 

Oh, I thought it was the coffee guy, the meeting room’s facilitator calls out a joke. The audience smiles. I remind myself to pretend a smile. I’ve laughed at poorer jokes than that. Ah well, all in a day’s work. I close the door and instruct the attendant to serve coffees in the meeting room. 

Sir, aap kya loge? What will you have sir, he asks. I smile at him and thank him for his generosity in offering me a drink. 

That’s a whole sentence of casual conversation that I’ve had in months. Lemon tea. I respond. 

I sit myself down. There is no time to reflect. I boot up the laptop and ……………………………


A wish upon a star

I laughed it out loud. I knew that the universe had many a constants. This constant was timeless, dogmatic and right about now, Ridiculous. 
I placed the coffee mug neatly back on the coaster and sank back into the chair. I was waiting. It had been a wait that had taken almost 40 years in the making now. I was way beyond fears, apprehension and anxiety. When you are pushing your 70’s, You are expected to have lived a full life. There aren’t many fears loitering in the mind. There is the big D but It wasn’t a bother yet. I hoped I still had time to sort that out , when the time came around. Presently, I had better things to do. Like Wait. 

The cup was gracefully picked up from the table and it made its way back to the kitchen sink. No new incidents there. In the meantime, I had ample time to ponder about the constants of life. 

Give or take 40 years, and so 40 years ago, there I was. Sitting on a similar chair. Only this time around, I wasn’t as relaxed as I currently was. I was a twenty year old and nervous. The edge of the chair felt like it was the edge of the world. I had every reason to feel scared. I knew I had everything to lose and given my odds, that failure seemed all but imminent. I was accelerating towards a brick wall. It was a moment of push coming to shove and shove it did. 

It was one of the biggest interviews of my life back then. The house was a house like any other. A very typical middle class house. The hall housed a sofa, a few chairs, a stand that had a television set. The TV was tuned to the news when I had walked in. It rested on mute for a while and I don’t know who had the sense to switch it off, but it was apparently switched off at some point in time. I hadn’t made a mental note of that event. There was another event that was unwinding. 

The usual coffee was served. Under normal circumstances, I’d joke about the special ‘reserved for guests’ ceramic cup in which the coffee was served. None of that nonsense today. The agenda had been set. There weren’t any surprises there. The coffee was served in the usual , sober, ever-silver tumbler. Nothing fancy. It was a piping hot cup. I tried a sip and respectfully placed it on the coffee table. There weren’t any coasters on the table. Not that it mattered anyway. 

“Hmmm” the voice pierced through the tensed silence. 

“I know what you are asking for” the sentence started. It felt like a sentence that had followed through an extended period of deep contemplation. 

“Yes Uncle”, I stopped myself right then and there. It was a hard stop. “Yes, Sir” I corrected myself. Sensing defeat and seizing hope, I mustered the audacity and courage to steer the course of the conversation. 
“And……” I paused. 

Unlike me, He hadn’t rested his cup of filter kaapi. He had held it all the while. I’m sure that the hot cup would have left behind an uncomfortable blister. He was prepared to endure it. He had. He took a quick sip. A decision had been made. A decision was to be conveyed. He finally rest the cup on the table. What came next, left me in decades of emotional toil and unrest. 

“illa pa. It’s not going to work out”. Never before had sentences managed to shatter dreams in this effect. Two sentences and a combined word count of eight had sealed my fate. Ah Houston, we have a problem. Crash and burn. Epic Burn. 

There wasn’t arguing or delivering a heart rendering closing statement that would overturn that decision. What had been decided was spoken and what went spoken, there wasn’t a way to undo them. What was said was said. 

“I understand Sir” I acknowledged , both my defeat and tears. 

I got up to leave. 

“And please understand, I don’t want you coming here anymore. You know how these things are right. It might..” 

before he could complete the sentence, I offered to complete it. “I get it uncle. I also have a sister.”

It was an amicable separation of sorts. There wasn’t a big drama to it. There would be one later though.

And so there we were in our usual coffee shop. The usual order made. 
“Come on, I don’t give a damnn. Between the two of us, we are 50 years old. I think we are old enough to make our own decisions” 

The protest went on deaf ears. Ours wasn’t going to be that kind of a story. We weren’t meant to be two folks against the whole wide world.

She returned from the kitchen. Sat on the chair beside and smiled. “What am I going to tell my family da?” she asked. 

“Between the two of us, we have 140 years now. I don’t care what anyone has to say. Besides what family are you talking about? Your kids are in the USA. You meet them through Skype. What else is holding you back? The words of your long departed dad? The society that is waiting for you to die? The kids who text you wishes for functions and every year promise to take you home and break them quicker than the time it takes to make them?”

The point made, I held on to my peace and promised myself to neither make a fuss nor push hard for a decision. A few hours later , I reached home. I didnt know what the future held. 

Two months later, I stood where I had stood 20 years ago. I had wished upon a star, wished upon the river Rhine. I had flicked a heavy coin and made a wish. I dived deep into my pocket to pull a similar coin. The long wait now over, I handed a coin to her. 

“Some say that when you put your heart to a wish and toss the coin into the river, the universe conspires to make that wish come true.” I said.

“Ah come on. Don’t be so cheesy!!!! Do you expect me to believe that pile of make-a-believe?” she smiled as she accepted that coin.

“Well, we are both here, right now, this moment aren’t we?” 

She smiled. Her eyes twinkled like how they’ve always had. She closed her eyes and made a wish. 

The River had one more wish to fulfil. 

The two held hands supporting one another and continued walking into the vast beauty that Switzerland was. 


Project SPA

There is an adventure in there somewhere. There always is. SPA or as I’m now terming it, expands to Single Parent Adventures. Running this SPA is nothing short of running a huge wide project. A programme even, if one may. 

Being a single parent is a hard business. The kids, here the number being 2, always manage to ask all the pertinent questions that I’ve overlooked all my life. Is this the same ‘Waterloo’ that challenged Napoleon. Blimey, I didn’t know and the worst of it all, having lived in London for quite a number of years, I hadn’t bothered to correlate the two. Waterloo was BFI IMAX for me. I hadn’t realised the wider connotation to it. 

Then the plethora of statues. Many of known names and faces. Many that I hadn’t bothered knowing. They were all the same to me. All stereotyped to nothing. It took me an adventure ride to realise that most statues came with a verbose description of why they were in the place they were. I hadn’t read them. 

These days, I’m a proud single parent of two. My mum and my dad. Every time we step out of the house to catch a glimpse of this city, the three of us embark upon an adventure. The walk to the station inspires the many questions that my dad has for me. Where does this road lead to? Did you know that there is flight coming into the Heathrow every two minutes? How many runways do you think it has? I think it’s 5, one for each terminal. Why don’t they have many runways for each terminal. I think they must.

Are we taking the district line or is it only the picadilly line this time? Which one is quicker, and importantly, Why? 

To be honest, years ago, I’d not have had the patience to sit through the plethora of questions. In time I had changed. Growing up and looking back, I know the kind of nightmare that I was. I’ve always asked a million questions. I still do. I remember this one time when our family was travelling and the chatter box that I was , I went on and on. One of my relatives did ask me to shut up for peace’s sake. I remained quiet. For a whole few minutes and then started again. 

These days , I know that I don’t have any of the answers to the questions that my dad asks. I hear it out though. Some, I answer. Most, I make up the answers, just to toy around. We share a giggle over it. The topics change. Things go forgotten, but etched forever in my memory. I’m learning to cherish the precious moments that I’m going through. 

Recently we were at the Museum of Natural history. With the arrogance of having learnt how the world worked, I felt a bit jaded by a lot that was on display. My mum was in a world of her own. She enjoyed the way the volcanoes have shaped up the modern age. She went on and tried all the exhibits that encouraged user participation. Touch that, push that, pull this, roll that cylinder. She did it all. She read through the contents. Dad would enrich the experience with the things that he had experienced. The conversations around the fault lines that wrecked havoc in the Andamans, where he was the chief engineer at that time. The violence of the planet that was so sweetly remembered. We came upon an exhibit that replicated the earthquake experience. We stepped in and walked out excited as kids. 

The planet’s precious minerals were displayed. Gems and crystals. One more beautiful than the other. Each, spell binding in their own right. Each mesmerising. Each reminding me of my state of poverty and how I couldn’t afford many, or even any of them. None of that nonsense ran through my mom. She just loved the opportunity of seeing those gems. The many diamonds ‘Gifted’ from India left us laughing our the course of human history. 

The day coming to a close, I felt proud of being a Londoner. It’s kind of odd to associate a nativity to London. It’s not the place that I took that pride in. It was the people. No matter how crowded the trains got, there were always and I mean ALWAYS folks volunteering their seats to get my folks seated. Gentle hands ushering them to their seats. For that brief instance, my parents had a hundred kids. Each doing their best to keep the parents comfortable and safe. I do feel proud of them. Of us. 

I’ve never experienced that in India. That’s not a reflection of the attitude of the folks. Back in India, I’d drive them to their destinations. When I wasn’t around, there was always that sweet kid (of varying ages) who had helped them have a safe and a comfortable journey. Right from the railway’s friendly porter, who’d walk slow, keep them company and talk to them and get them seated on the train to strangers on the flight who did their best to help them climb the stairs and navigate through the wild that is the airport. Some days I believe in the fact that the goodness that I express, gets rewarded by introducing the good and wonderful people of the world to my parents. These good Samaritans of the world occupy that role of a single parent in my absence. A parent substitute of sorts. One good deed deserves another and that’s my motivation in wanting and trying to help at each step. Yes, I am selfish that way. It’s just that hope that if I’m good enough, someone else will not be a villain on the street. 

The other day, as the evening got dark, my folks were walking back from a temple. They were approached by a bloke. Fear gripped them but soon changed. The bloke had approached them to tell them that they were the sweetest oldest couple that he had ever seen. He wanted to tell them that and expected nothing in return. 

Ain’t that an adventure of sorts? Don’t believe in the news that you read which speaks only of the devil and destruction. There are a billion folks out there who aren’t selfish. These are the unspoken daily heroes who go beyond their call of duty in being and staying human. Irrespective of what walk of life they hail from, these are the nice folks who make an effort to keep this world a better place. I used to think that this kindness, this goodness is a product of culture. I was wrong. It’s the fabric of being a human. Humans , by default, express that goodness and help others. That message does not come out. We’ve grown too skeptic from the abundant and constant flow of destructive information. Yes, granted that some of us are capable of evil deeds. Yes. But that’s not the general reflection of the world. 

Being such a single parent, each day is an adventure. You worry about the wellbeing of the kids. You worry if the world’s cruelty will affect them inversely. You also get to experience the innocent bliss that they experience. You get to see the innocence of the world that they see. Such a wonderful adventure that rejuvenates your faith in people. May it last. 

At this juncture, I am perplexed by a dilemma. How does evil exist in such a beautiful world? Or the alternative, In such a vile land, how does this goodness survive , endure and manifest itself. Something is not right. No wonder the battle between the good and the evil is an eternal one. By the looks of it, Good does have the upper hand. It always will. I hope and wish it does. 


The house of walls


The tiny streaks of light that managed to dodge the thick drapes that covered the windows were bright enough to illuminate the room. The luminance was soft and subtle without a glare that could strain the eye. There were days when I liked the house to be that way. She preferred a well lit house. Our separation started on that simplest taste over light. 

The bed looked made. It was empty. I couldn’t remember why I had walked in, but I was there nonetheless. This happens a lot to me. I walk into places without a faintest idea of why I got there. I shrugged my shoulder and patted the made bed. I was careful enough to not leave behind a crease. I turned around towards the dresser. Our anniversary photograph stood there, framed and neat. I examined it close to find no trace of dust resting on it. Typical, I thought to myself.

I left the room and made it towards the hall and occupied my usual recliner. I felt fatigued and I wasn’t sure if it was the age that was catching up or the fact that I couldn’t remember if I had any breakfast that morning, that made me feel tired. I sat wondering how my life turned out the way it did. 


Typical, she wondered. Her husband liked to leave the drapes closed, even on bright mornings like the day. He was her perfect opposite in many ways. She liked the house airy and bright. He liked it cold and dark. She had enjoyed cleaning and sorting things into their proper place while he had lived a hobo’s dream of untidiness and grime. Her lips twitched as she found herself lost in thoughts about how they had managed to endure the years together. 

She made the bed and walked towards the kitchen. She filled the water in the kettle and tried to switch it on. It just wouldn’t start. She wanted to call out to her husband. She knew there wouldn’t be an answer. She sighed and gave up on the notion of making tea. She glanced towards the hall to see if he was lazing around his chair. The hall was as empty as most of their life had been. Typical. He had this uncanny ability to never be around when she needed him. Had had never been around when she had needed him the most. Annoyed, in general about everything, she walked to the porch to find solace in the world around. Her chair on the porch had been her trusty support system. She had spent numerous hours sitting there and watching the world go by. The view wasn’t bad. She could spectate her neighbourhood in peace. The pointless business of the world comforted her. Deep down, she felt that the world shared her isolation. Nobody outside seemed to speak to anybody else. There wasn’t a casual chatter to be enviously spy upon. The transactions of the world were just that. Mere transactions. No soul in them. No life in them. To her, everybody seemed to be dead. At least on the inside. 


I heard the door creak. The sudden sound jolted me. I could feel my heart pounding. I knew I was being silly. I presumed it could have been the wind that was playing games on my otherwise dulled mind. Just to be safe and simply out of curious compulsion, I scanned the room to see if there was anybody around. I knew there weren’t. I felt silly over spooking myself over. It was a ridiculous thought. I knew fear had no place, at least not anymore. The worst was already in the past. There wasn’t any place for fears in the present or even the future. Things didn’t work that way. I shook my head in disappointment. The noise had left me unsettled and restless. I couldn’t bring myself to sit anymore. I decided to hit the porch. 

The porch had been a wonderful place of sorts. It held many memories. She had always usually been there. Looking at the world. Smiling at the world. The best of her was when she was outside. I knew the many promises that we had made together , sitting on that porch. I knew the many promises that I broke, that we broke, when we argued on that porch. The porch had become a world of its own ,to us. No one bothered us there. It always felt that we were the only ones , trapped in a wide vast world. 

I stood by the porch. The day had gradually dimmed its glory. It had become a gloomy day. The glum gloominess had somehow seeped away from the house and corrupted the world around. The metal railing felt cold. I stared far into the land, not wanting to focus on anything in particular. My eyes strained towards her unoccupied chair. It pained me to find that empty. The searing pain kept growing. The weight upon my heart felt heavier till I couldn’t bear the burden. I felt ambushed by the overwhelming grief that suddenly found me. I couldn’t explain where all the grief was coming from. The confusion left me dazed till I couldn’t hold on to a thought. Any thought for that matter. Everything started to black out. 

And then I saw a streak of light. 

She sat on her chair and her thoughts lost upon the world in front of her. Thoughts became tears. She couldn’t tell where the stream of tears started from. Was it that time when he screamed at her? It seemed unlikely. It must have been something grave that would have germinated that anger that led to a furious hate. The hate that left her with resentment. The resentment that fuelled her wrath. The blinding wrath had rendered her helpless. She broke down within the chain that bound her. She had endured the cycles of anger and hate till she couldn’t tell the two apart. In her state of misery, she blamed herself for what that had transpired and her guilt and denial alienated her from him. He wasn’t there anymore. He wasn’t there when she needed him the most. He just wasn’t. They weren’t a couple any longer. He was emotionally dead to her till.

The thoughts overwhelmed her. The anger flamed and hate burnt bright. She burned in her anguish. There was only that anger and hate that consumed and kept consuming till there was nothingness. The nothingness led to the dark. She blanked out, lost in thoughts, lost to self, Lost. She shut her eyes tight to cope up with the overwhelming strain. When she finally opened her eyes, all that she could see was the dark. 

The world of real

The door creaked wide open. The house was sparkling clean and tidy. It smelt fresh and unused. The barren house echoed the silence to a reverberating boom. The sound of footsteps amplified as it reflected from one wall to another. 

“This”, the lady proclaimed with a marketable smile, “is fresh in the market. A fantastic two bedroom house. Single owners. No kids. The house is in a fantastic condition and is selling under the market value.” , she concluded her practised pitch. 

She walked the guests through the house. The drapes were drawn and she opened them up to let the natural light spread through the room. The mild chillness of the house vaporised and the house started feeling warm again.

The viewing done, the prospective buyer couldn’t resist the temptation of asking why such a beautiful house was selling cheap.

The realtor paused. She knew the question was inevitable. People usually found out sooner than later. There wasn’t an easy way around it. 

“Sentiment, I presume” she started. “Tragedy struck the previous family. The wife had a long history with depression. You know. Things happen. She took the easy way out. The husband couldn’t cope up with the loss. One evening he went out for a walk and a car ran him over. The case was closed as a suicide. The street’s CCTV footage clearly showed that the guy jumped in. Lousy way to go but it’s still a romantic tale of sorts. The couple couldn’t stay separated. People blame the house!”

Within the Light and the Dark, amongst the shadows, the couple continue to struggle to reconcile and reclaim the life that they once shared. 


[Book Review] : The unlikely pilgrimage of Harold Fry

The Unlikely Pilgrimage , by Rachel Joyce 

There comes a point in time when one has to do what one has to do. That’s precisely what this tale is all about. Harold Fry is an old bloke who continues to lead a mundane life. One day, he gets a mail that upsets the status quo of his blank , bland existence. Reading the letter, he learns that his long forgotten colleague/ friend, Queenie, is suffering from Cancer. He writes a half baked response and decides to walk to the post box to post it. It just so happens that when he reaches the post box, he feels that he should walk a little more, a little further before posting it. 

And just like that, he decides that he would walk all the way to meet her in her hospital. Feeling pumped up by that spontaneous decision, he calls the hospital and informs the nurse to tell Queenie that he’s on his way to see her and that he’s walking it all the way there. He asks the nurse to inform Queenie to hold on till he makes it. 

With that , a wonderful journey begins. Harold believes that he can walk the many miles (600 odd, to be precise) and also that Queenie would continue to survive her battle against her terminal illness. Caught unawares because of the spur of the moment decision, Harold is not equipped, both physically and equipment wise to endure the long trek. He doesn’t let that bother him. He constantly keeps reminding himself that all he needs to do is walk. One step at a time. 

As Harold conquers each mile, we are introduced to the details of his life. Harold’s marriage to his wife, Maureen, is strained at best and is left hanging by a thread. The crux of the tension is around the fact that their only child had alienated himself from the parents. Maureen holds Harold responsible for that separation. 

As Harold struggles to fill his heart with hope that would help him fuel his walk, Maureen is annoyed by the decision. The couple drift further apart because of the walk. The few exchanges between them are strained and colder than usual. Harold steers forward. Maureen struggles to cope up. 

Along the way Harold meets many folks who are as different as different could be. He manages to see something unique about them. He is greeted by both encouragement for his courage to embark on such a journey and there are folks who express their concern around the pointlessness of the exercise. Doubts start to plague Harold. 

The rest of the tale is a warm telling of the journey ahead. Does Harold make it all the way? Does Queenie live long enough to keep her end of the bargain? Will David ever reconcile with his folks and join them again? Will the couple’s marriage survive this tug of separation? 

The unlikely pilgrimage is a refreshing read about the human spirit. We are emotional beings and not all of us are bound by the laws of reasoning and physics. We do things because we want to. We do things because we associate actions to faith. We believe in things because we have nothing else to bank on. We hope that our faith gets rewarded. We are plagued by doubts and there are days when we give up. There are those days when we conquer our doubts and march ahead. These traits make us human and it is fantastic and wonderful to remain human. 

The further Harold walks, the clearer his thoughts become and unlike ever before, he finally manages to reminisce upon the course that his life had taken. He’s a man left with regrets and has a nice line of sight of things that were. I’ve seen this phenomenon in real life. We do what it takes to cope up with events springing in our lives. What we do to cope is different but the mechanism is a standard template of sorts. Do things to distract the self. Keep at it and have a moment of pristine catharsis. The book captures this moment beautifully. 

Two thumbs and a definite read. 


The art and science of deception

If you are here, you’ve already braved the first step. I reckon it’s the curiosity that prompted the click. I guess there is also the boredom that encourages even the meekest of us to brave into newer waters. As long as you are here, might as well indulge me in a little madness. 

Take a deep breath. Chill. Relax. Ask yourself a SINGLE Question. Are we ready? Ok, here it goes. Ask yourself a question. 

I’m still waiting for you to frame that question in your mind. A moment more. Atta boy, that does it. You have now successfully asked yourself a nice little question. 

What was that question about? The answer doesn’t carry any meaning at all. The answer is irrelevant to what I have to say. It is the question that matters. It has always been the question that has always elevated humankind. Intelligence is not the ability to find answers. The art of intelligence is asking the questions that we didn’t even know could be asked. 

If I had to fathom a guess, the question that you asked yourself would probably feature into the following categories.

1. Questions about the immediate self : These include, what am I doing? Why am I here? What do I intend to do this weekend? What is the solution to that specific problem that I was thinking about before I got here to this post.

2. Questions about the bigger challenges in the world : These include, Why is the world in the shape and form that it is? How do we solve the water problem? How can we eradicate poverty? How do we enable a better future for the generations to come? 

3. Questions beyond this realm : Is there really a life after death? Do the different planes exist? 

4. Questions that are detached from the self : Wonder what movie is running? Who is that hero in that Movie? Where did I previously hear this song from? Where was it copied from…

The questions can be many and the questions always and I mean ALWAYS reflect the truest nature of the self. A lamb that’s dressed as a lion, still can only think like a lamb. It takes a lion to be a lion. 

In effect, the nature of questions that one asks is a reflection of how diverse one is in their thought process. The fact that you asked yourself only one question, it also articulates the priority that you internally follow. The magnitude of the question reveals the frame of mind that you are in. 

Let’s try another question. Go on. Ask yourself a question again. I’ll wait. 



And once again, the nature of question that you’d ask yourself is a reflection of how deep one can be. If one is playful, the second question is sillier than the first. If one feels suddenly pressured to post a serious question, you apparently readjusted your priority and made an effort to think beyond the mundane norm. And that is the wonderful art and science of deception. 

At any given point in time, we are many people, bundled into a single persona. We are thinkers, we are goofballs. We are pessimists and we can also be realists. There is that idealist in us and there is that hopeful optimist. What we choose to expose, at a given point in time, to a given specific audience is a testament to how much we are willing to pretend/stretch/accommodate/adjust in order to gain acceptance. 

It is in our nature to evolve to gain acceptance. Even the brashest, most abrasive version of us seeks that acceptance. That social status of being a misfit, rebel is also a status that warrants acceptance. If nobody cares about that rebel self of us, are we really rebels? Rebels need that acknowledgement in order to assert an identity of being a rebel. 

We are deceptive. We expect honesty in others and are masters at keeping ourselves deceived under the veil of illusion and denial. In buried secrecy, we’d like the world to work in our favour and deceive ourselves by reminding ourselves that the world is unfair and it is unfair for the entire lot. This phenomenon of contradicting realities is attributed as Cognitive Dissonance. The more our conflict, the more drastic is our dissonance. 

This deception can work in our favour, as long as we understand the lies that we tell to the world and ourselves. The world runs on white lies and crumbles when we start to believe our own lies. That , by itself, is a contradiction. Science has a term for this behaviour. Power of Suggestion. 

Power of suggestion is the ability of repetition that convinces us to believe in something. Repeat a lie for a million times and over time, you’d vouch for that lie to be the truest of the true north. And that’s the Mandela effect !!!!

Deception is all around us. Embrace it or be a victim. The truth is only the right question away. Such is the might of asking a question. 



How long must time flow before once stops calling a table the usual table’, I sat wondering. The table had always been the usual table. The brands had changed, ownerships swapped, contracts renewed, and the location of the usual table had always been a near constant. Right by the window. During the summer, the window would be left, ever so slightly open, to let the warm breeze through. The winters were no different either. Different season, the same old warm breeze to gently kiss our faces and leave behind a moist comforting warmth. 

It had been a while though. Five years to be exact. I was surprised that the coffee house was still open. I was even more surprised to find out that the layout remained the same. Some things are better left unchanged. I placed the order and took the usual table. While I was traversing through the many thoughts of the past, the present , the multiple what ifs, the order was served. I was a stranger in my own ancestral home of sorts. A new face that didn’t not attract the familiar warm welcome smile. The bloke stood around waiting to see if I’d request for any besides my order. I offered a smile to close the transaction. Without any words wasted, the event came to a finesse close. The piping hot cup of hibiscus tea was steaming in front of me. The vapours carried the pleasant smell of fruity flowers and it filled the table with its aroma. Uplifting. Yes, that’s how it felt. I sank comfortably into my chair. The train of thoughts had arrived at the station. 

All aboard, I silently screamed. 

Five years is a respectable period of time where stuffs happen in life. Five years, I’ve gained and lost and gained and lost weight. The face now is littered with wrinkles of worries and the million thoughts pondered. The hair line had fallen back by a bit. I stared into the tan exposed on my ring finger. 

Thud-Thudd.. My heart started racing at the mere thought. I still remember the day when I removed the nice silver ring , threw it as far as I could. I screamed from the bottom of my lungs and attracted quite a lot of stares from the onlookers. I distinctly remember not giving them a moment’s thought. Never did ever after either. 

Thud-thud.. The mind ushered a rushed montage of the fight that led to that action. I was surrounded by the demons of my past. The moment long gone, the memories still fresh and nearly ready to start phasing into a fade, the pain and the misery felt horribly fresh. My heart kept beating faster and faster as I descended deeper into that long isolated, distanced memory. 

Thud..thud, and just like that my mind forced me to visualise the first time we had met. The details of the world around had eroded away in time. Her and everything about her never quite did. Floral. The colour whose name I never did make an effort to learn. For me , reds are still reds. Pink is pink. Yellows and blues. Blacks and whites. Every other color is one or the other color that I knew. Everything else was a transient state on my love drenched eyes. Everything else had forever and always remained illuminated. If only there was a color to denote light, the brightness it casts upon the eyes, my eyes. The weightlessness of the shade, the brightness and luminance of the shade of sun’s honey-glazed rays. Yeah, the moment was as vivid as I had first experienced. 

Thud……………………thud. The warmth slowed the beat and filled me with a certain happy, satisfying melodic lullaby. The kind of song that wasn’t meant to put a child to sleep. But to soothe it, comfort it, assure it that it was a beautiful world and that nothing would ever go wrong. 

Five years, I had lived a life without that rhythm. The music had long faded away, the curtains had fallen, the stage cleared, the audience had returned home. I had endured and survived the isolation of an empty auditorium. I had filled myself with echoes of my making, echoes of my breath, murmurs through my silence and thickness of my isolation. The time had been kind enough to fill my world with people, whose faces I had forgotten as quickly as their names I had stored on my phone. I had lived on a borrowed time of pretend smiles and forced laughs. I longed for a moment of a sincere smile. The moment where I could be myself. The real me, without my gilded guarding walls. 

Time had made a man of me. Strong, stiffer upper lip. Poker faced. Cold at heart, colder at mind. The cynic was the last to die. The romantic had died first. The realist died later. The pessimist faded away. I remained a shadow of a former glorious self. I remained. I wasn’t a prize, but survivors aren’t often one. It was the best that I could muster. A de-stringed instrument, discarded, discorded. An instrument nonetheless. In time the anger had dissipated, regrets ignored and then forgotten. I had learnt to live with the present. I had learnt to live with myself. I had learnt to live past the longing and the eyes had learnt to look past it’s desperate desire. 

Thud..Thud… The heart picked pace at the thought of the time my eyes longed. The truth is that the eyes had never ceased to stop longing. I had pretended to stop. I had pretended a lot. As the moment approached, the Five years were now taking a toll. 

What would she say? Would she say she missed me? Would she lie? Would she pretend? Where would it leave us? Where would I be, where would we be. Would we separate again? The questions were many and the answers were scary. I could give myself a happy fate and sit with the happiest of answers. I could lie to myself. I would be happy for a moment longer. I couldn’t bring myself to it though. I could assume the worst, it wouldn’t be far away from the truth. I could, but I sat frozen in thought. Frozen in fears. Frozen. 

There wasn’t much to do but wait. I reached for the cup of steaming tea. 

My eyes strained as I tried to focus on the one walking towards the table. Tears welled up, blurring my sight. Emotions welled up , blurring my existence. A void swallowed me whole and robbed me of words or sound. A ringing sound deafened my ears in that moment of first sight. Everything felt illuminated , once again. Everything was illuminated. 


I finally managed to call out. 

A silence ensued. A million paragraphs went unsaid, un-typed, unspoken. A million words lost in blackened obscurity. A few seconds of eternity, engulfed in wistful separation , distanced and held together in hopes of a reunion.


The world had sunk into darkness while I was drowning in light. 


Inspired by this wonderful couple that I met on the tube the other day. I reckon one was leaving and the other held on, staring into her lovely dark eyes. I couldn’t help but wonder about the million things that went unsaid between the two. 

[Book Review]: Siddhartha

Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse is a fictional take of the journey of a life. Written in the 1920’s, The tale has stood the test of time and does come out shining bright as it always probably has. 

I’d brave to call this book a spiritual fiction. It beautifully marries a fictional journey of life and core principles of spirituality. The audience is neither expected nor forced to accept the path laid out in the book. It only recounts the path taken by the protagonist. Where it works is the fact that the protagonist wanders through life. He makes his own decisions, lives to deliver the consequences of his actions, learns from it, unlearns from it, and eventually manages to elevate himself through the vicious cycles of life.

Born into a family of educated , Siddhartha masters the scriptures and soon awakens to the fact that he has learnt all that he could from the books and that there isn’t much to grasp from it. He makes up his mind to leave the comforts of his house and spend the time with Samanas, who live a saintly life in the forest. Siddhartha is accompanied by his dearest friend, Govinda. 

The ascetic live teaches Siddhartha a better perspective into life. Once again, he is faced with the challenge of stagnation. He walks away from the Samanas’ way of life. The duo chance to meet Buddha. Deeply moved by Buddha’s teaching, Govinda embraces the Buddhist way of life. Siddhartha and Govinda part ways. There is an itch, deep rooted in Siddhartha’s mind that keeps him detached from embracing Buddhism. The protagonist argues that the path of the one is through discovery of self and that there is no teacher who can unlock that mystery on behalf of the pursuer of that truth. With this in mind, Siddhartha, once again, leaves the comforts of a routine. 

Life does take a turn from here on. Siddhartha meets Kamala and in order to spend more time with her, he gets into the business of making money. Caught into the cycle of wealth, wine and wonderful woman, Siddhartha evolves into a very successful business man. His midas touch is spoken about through the land. 

Rest of the tale is about Siddhartha’s quest to discover the self. Does he eventually find peace? The book has the answer to it all. 

I loved the book and mostly because I do tend to view a lot of the traits of the protagonist in myself. I like to learn through actions and experiences. I don’t enjoy the comforts of an instructor led liberation. I’d rather fail on my own accord than succeed by nodding my head and walking without understanding the way of the world in a manner that makes sense to me. 

The book presents the best example of life that can ever be expressed. In life, one thing always leads to another. There is always a path to choose. What we do with that road, often determines the kind of person that we go on to be. There aren’t good or evil folks. There are just folks. Who either carry their actions or don’t. Both , action and inaction, lead to consequences and we enter a cycle of cause and effect , action and consequence. Some of us find ourselves trapped. Some , not so much. 

Then come the multitude of spiritual philosophes throughout the book. I shall not bore you with them. The simplest philosophy that is worth writing about is probably this. 

Believe in yourself. Heed to the inner voice that guides you. Fear is a by product of comfort. When you shed your skin and walk away from your comforts, the first to embrace you would be your fears. When you let that fear go, rest of the world’s million wisdom come running to you. 

Siddhartha’s journey of life is a one with many highs and many lows. It is easy and human to let ourselves get distracted. Getting distracted is not a sin. Getting distracted is pretty much alright too. If that brings you happiness. If that brings you the kind of happiness that sustains. Siddhartha had to go through a series of character defining sins in order to break away from the traps of life and elevate himself. It assures and confirms my faith in the fact that one has to do em all, saturate from it in order to reject the illusion. The book , to me, is a wonderful reminder that salvation is not for the elite. Salvation is only one thought, action, intent away. Rest are barriers made by the mind. 

In fact the crux of the book is that even barriers made by the mind aren’t real. Matrix called it right. ‘THERE IS NO SPOON. THERE NEVER WAS’

Are you a spiritual enthusiast, or a literature buff? Either parties would love the simplicity of this book and the warmth in the tale conveyed. Give it a read, There aint much that one stands to lose by reading this ! 


A greener grass

The routine has always been the same. I close my little shop around 5 in the evening. I head home. The road towards home takes me along a park. I usually make it a point to spend a little time in the park. In fact, it’s the best part of my day. I get to sit on a bench and observe the beautiful world. Kids usually run about there. It’s always the boys with guns made of either pretend or plastic, shooting at one another. Girls run without a defined purpose. When the kids are not playing pretend war on the streets, they hang around the jungle gym. They swing, jump or bounce. It’s always a pleasant sight. Kids are so full energy that never gets depleted on the playground. 

Moms talk with other moms. Dads talk with other dads. Some read books. Some lie down and bask in the glory of a shy sun that comes to play, once in a while. It doesn’t matter who you are in the park. Everybody comes there to relax and let the time fly by a little. I’m no exception to that cause. I rest in careless bliss. Looking at the present. Looking towards the future. Leaving behind the past. 

Things weren’t like this always. There was a different place that I used to call home. I think I still call it a house, but I know the difference. I won’t head back any time soon. Home used to have parks like the one in front of me. It used to have kids playing in them too. It used to have mothers and fathers babysitting and supervising. It used to have lovers, both young and old, holding each other’s hands. It used to be a magical place where dreams were conjured and wishes made to keep those dreams alive. Peace used to run amuck , back at home. Peace then ran itself dry. 

Peace was soon replaced by war. Love got substituted with hate. Trust got cast out and Insecurity and fear took its place. People stopped believing in each other. We viewed at our world through the eyes of fear and uncertainty. We could never guess who the villains were. They were everywhere. They concealed guns, strapped make shift explosives and left behind a legacy of hate, red , dust and charring remains of varying degrees. The explosions would often shake the ground and the ground did shake frequently. Kids used to play pretend war and then they just played war. Young teens and adolescents lost their innocence. They were soaked in red. They couldn’t see the scar that got left behind in their souls. To them, I wondered if all of it was possibly a game that was all too real. It might as well be the only means to continue existing. I never knew the reasons. Honestly, I hadn’t cared. In retrospect, none of us had cared enough to nip the malice when it was beginning to bud. We were all occupied with life. 

My life was a simple one. Small family of a wife and a kid. It was all that I had and it was all that I really needed. When the grounds began to shake, the fear of people missing kept growing. It was still a fear that I had shared and never experienced. One day, that changed. Things weren’t just news. I return to an empty house. Back in those days, an empty house prompted only one of two natural responses. Panic or Panic and fear. I panicked and rushed to the nearest hospital to see if there were any traces left to identify. Looking back, I did find some solace in returning home without finding my family scattered across the floor. I never did find my family. I never knew what had happened and where they had gone. I never got to know what happened to them. I was left behind. Left behind in both hopes and despaired sorrow. 

The place that I called home had left me with nothing. Not even with the courage to die. Not even with the cowardly strength to endure. One morning, I left everything that I had lost and walked. I didn’t turn back for that last nostalgic glance. I kept walking till there weren’t sights of debris. I continued walking through the barren land. I walked till the sea and someone shoved me into their boat. 

The new land was the same as how the old one was before the ruin ran rampant. Greener grass. Kids being kids. Moms being moms. Dads being dads. I found work and the day was occupied by labour and the nights embraced in nightmares. I shook, I shivered, and there were nights when I cried in silence. This became a routine. The routine gradually changed. The crying was the first to stop. The nightmares still continue. Unlike the nightmares of demons and devils, I’m haunted by the most beautiful smile that I would never get to see ever again. 

The new land became home. It had accepted me, a stranger, as its own. I stayed there for a while. I left it behind for another land. Then another and another. Lands ceased to matter. Homes weren’t home anymore. I found shelter and soon lost the strength to wander. I settled down. That was years ago. 

The routine is now here to stay. I run a shop during the day. In the evening, I help wanderers like me, who are in pursuit of peace and are lost along their way. In between those two routines, I take a moment to pause in the park. I’d like to believe that one day, I’d find the smile. I’d like to believe that the faces would have aged, the wrinkles now prominent, but the face to be there around. I scan through the park, hoping against hope, I find the many happy smiles. I participate in that spree of spirited happiness. I passively let myself get invited to their joys. Present, but never a direct part of it. I’m happy with that. It’s the best that I can afford. 


Inspired by this elderly couple who were playing table tennis. couldn’t help but conjure a tale around the sight.