This probably is the lowest point of my life. It wasn’t easy. I thought it had to be done. Now that it’s all done and dusted, when I look back, I think all of it is one big huge series of unfortunate events which I chose and embraced. I let myself drift along the flow of things. I couldn’t bring myself to protest. While the world tomorrow might call it a virtue, I see it as a bane. Bound by notions of duty and doubtful righteousness, I think I’ve let a lot of people down.
All of it started the way most things start. The politics of money and the greed that breeds it all. Property dispute. I didn’t want to embarrass the family. I stepped out. I really didn’t mind that. Family or money, I chose family. I think I’d always choose family and blood ties over money. Now what I couldn’t fully fathom was the magnitude of my choice.
I guess I was being selfish by being selfless that time around. I can always explain dealing with the consequences of my choices. They were mine when I made them. It was fair that I got to deal with them. This was different. I wasn’t alone on any of this. I really wasn’t. I left behind a brother and denied him of his identity and individuality. I denied a life of decent comfort and luxury to the woman who completed me. She didn’t protest. How could she. She probably felt just as much duty bound to me as I felt towards my family. And then my other sibling. He threw away his life and walked with me. I am truly fortunate and gifted to be loved by so many people who surround me. In return, what did I manage to bring them? Hardship and misery? Yeah, some return gift that turned out to be.
There are days when I feel choked by the expectations that rest on my shoulders. The world views me as some kind of a god. Virtuous, righteous, throw in as many adjectives that you want and end of the day I am still smothered by expectations that I have to live up to. Am I god? if I am, why am I leading this life? If I’m but a mere humble mortal like the rest of us, why do I choose this alienation and suffering ? Am I in this to set a living example of virtues by exposing myself to extreme challenges that I can think of?
Where is the fairness in that. Why do I get to set an exemplary life? What kind of a curse am I sitting on? Why couldn’t I have a normal life. Be a king, rule the land, have a little peace and quiet life. Die of an old age listening to my grandchildren narrate simple silly tales. Was all of that too much to ask and aspire for?
Anyways, there is no point in mulling about it now. All done, lived and paid for.
Things went really south during the exile. Sita away, the tiff with Vali. I had to back off from my principles over that one. I didn’t feel good about that. No matter what is said, or what will be said, I can not bring myself any peace or comfort over it. So much for a god huh!!! Things then panned out. Got her back. Head straight home.
Of all the things that I’ve been through, of all the things that we’ve been through, Sita and I, for what’s worth, the test of fire and now the banish. She loved me. She followed me wherever I went. Endured hell and still rested her undivided faith in me. And where did that lead to. I stood a heartbroken man today. I saw the love of my life, a soul that completed me walk away in tears.
So much for being a god. So much for being an exemplary man. Even the brute who had her kidnapped couldn’t hurt her the way I did today.
Dear diary, I stand before you. Guilty of all my sins. All my life, I choose to be a bystander of events that conspired around me. Never protested, never had any ambition to live a life that I wanted to live. I followed the words of a destiny which I couldn’t fathom back then, or understand even now. I stand before you as a helpless man who now has nothing worth having.
Not saying that GOD would have felt that way. Being a mere human, if I was told that I had greatness written all over my stars, and I had the miserable fate to relive similar moments, my diary would read this way.
This is my take if I got to lead a similar life. don’t expect any factual accuracy. Coz hey, both on the same boat. you cant offer a convincing one either 🙂