I was young, naive and innocent when i started in this organization. A young bloke in an organization so vast. The ways of the world were new to me and for the longest while during my early years, I remained clueless. There was this burning compass of moral righteousness in me. I think that’s still there. I think that is now forged through my experiences and mileage. Yeah, Its still there.
I very much remember the first day. Boy I was overwhelmed by the sheer size of the things we did. I made a few friends early on. I guess I was starting to have fun. The goals still at heart, visions of being a somebody still burning bright in my eyes. I was a loose cannon. I was having fun alright. Learning came naturally to me. What I had in spirit, I lacked in direction. Direction came in the form of my boss.
My boss. Oh how I saw him on the pedestal. His immense knowledge appealed to me. I was thoroughly and thoroughly seduced and attracted to his charisma. I was in love with his way of working. Always right, always the right thoughts, always knew what was to be done. He was what I wanted to be. Of course, I knew I was not worthy enough to be him someday. That thought had never occurred to me.
We , our big team, were like kids in a class. Our boss was our beloved teacher. We looked up to him. We waited for his every word of wisdom. He taught us without restraint. He led the way and I loved being led. It felt great. We were a team, we were eyeing for greatness. Not that we ever wondered to see if we were becoming masters of the art. It dint matter. Such was the charisma of our boss. We had this profound sense of belonging. We had this wonderful sense of acceptance. It was probably the happiest days of our lives.
Back then I guess I was too young to see that nothing lasted forever. I was still to understand that the shine was always meant to wear off. That realization had never come to me. That was yet to come. In principle I agreed with my boss. I agreed with his means. It made perfect sense to me. Over the years, as I learnt the trade, I was eager to prove my worth to him. I was eager for his approval. I was eager to make him proud of me. I had learnt my job well. I could manage to speed track things a lot. Many things I did, my boss approved. some he dint. I’d take it as a learning curve. I dint dwell too much into that. How could I ? I was still young and inexperienced compared to him. There were ways that I still had to learn about. I’d smile and carry on learning.
Little things always keep happening around us. Little things usually dont matter. When you stop and start observing them, all the little things start taking shape as one big thing. I mean there is small line that separates arrogance and evolution. Arrogance is when you think you are always right and have the best way to get things done. Evolution is when you know and can prove that you can get things done better, faster, smarter. Arrogance is looked down upon and evolution is snubbed. Little things again. When evolution is snubbed, and little things start adding up, difference of opinions start to crop up.
I’m no different from anybody else around me. I wanted to bring a change. A change that would help me get things done better and smarter. Me against a dogmatic framework. For a while, I endured. I couldn’t pretend much longer. I started expressing my views, in subtle ways at first. I got vocal over time. As with any agent of change, my fall from grace was now inevitable. It was no longer a question of IF, it was only a matter of WHEN. I guess I knew that all too well. I was prepared for it.
It is only in rough waters do we see the strength of the ship, the very nature of the ocean. For the first time I saw the truth for what it was. There was insecurity in my boss. He was a victim of his own success. He was a victim of being trapped by the dogma of the framework that he once sweat to build. He was an old man in a young man’s world. I was ambitious. This ambition of mine brought me guilt and misery at first. I felt I had betrayed his trust. I felt I had let him down. Once that denial was over, I soon realized that this was not guilt. I felt bad because I knew he was outdated. His thoughts were wrong. He had been so institutionalized to the comforts of doing the same thing again and again. He no longer thought ahead. I dont blame him. That is the nature of our work. There is always someone better, someone with a bigger idea, someone with a dream and the desire to make it come true. One day, someone young would hate me for what I’d be. I was ok with that.
One fine day the inevitable happened. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was done feeling choked. I was done resting under his shadow of complacency. I wanted to be under the sun. I wanted to feel it’s warmth on my face. I wanted to experience it all. I was done being a happy recipeint of a life of hand me downs. My fall from grace was now complete. I had become the problem child. I was now unpopular. Hypocrites! Who were they to judge me? Within the dark corners and secrecy of their minds, they all aspired to be me. I laugh at their pathetic spineless existence. HA. Their judgement meant nothing to me. I walked out with my head held high.
For a while I found it difficult. I was out of my comfort zone. I was alone against the world. I missed the care of my boss and the brotherhood of my team. They were my family. I was an orphan now. Cast out, hated, and misunderstood. I endured. That isolation dint last forever. Its been long. On days like today, I do indulge in a few thoughts. People put their faith in me now. They respect my capable hands. I’m ok. Ancient history.
Oh.. how self-obsessed of me. I dint even bother introducing myself. I went on and on about an old tale. HI, I’m LUCIFER.