WOW.. what a day this has been so far. Epic of a work out. New gym buddy. Flood of thoughts and something simple started it all.
“Oh I don’t know what I did to deserve this man!!! ”
We both stood panting and gasping for breath. Gym does that to people. We didn’t have the moment to exchange names but we made it a point to pair up and work coz A, she loved my AC DC work out playlist and B , I loved her never ever give up attitude towards a workout . My trainer saw the most opportune moment to make twice the money in the same time. A new friendship forged in the sweat.
“As long as you are asking questions sweetheart, how about what din’t ya do before that led us to this spot today? , ever thought about it? ” I offered a question of my own. We smiled and parted ways. Morrow is another adventure in fitness land.
I came back home broken in my body but soaring in my spirit. I left my friends a quick message. I’m extremely pumped up, optimism and enthusiasm is oozing from me this morn.. Don’t hold me responsible if I’m extremely annoyingly upbeat today!!!!!!
As I slowed down the kick started day, the question that caught me earlier was making its rounds in my head. Questions. There are days when I feel that they are like hydra. You chop one down and two grow to fill that space. I was left with two statements this morning to wonder about.
1. for the things I did, I don’t really deserve this!!!
2. It’s ok. I don’t think I deserved it anyway!!!
Both statements reflect a fall in expectations. Both statements are often common when we fail at getting something that we either desired or worked hard towards getting. Both statements… wait for it… wait for it… hate me all you want, but I’m going to say it.
ARE PROBABLY good excuses that we choose to hide behind to feel better about our LACK OF ACTIONS in seeing things through.
I’m so sorry if that sounded blatantly bitter. Of all days, that’s exactly how I see them today.
Words exert immense power over us. Words like FATE, DESTINY, DESERVE are at times just words behind which we choose to hide in order to sugar coat the blow and seek out a passive means to accept either our inability or helplessness in the given event of a failure.
I correlate this to both my professional and personal life. When I didn’t get the things that I deserved, I blamed and then reasoned out things. Truth it, I didn’t bother knocking every door that was in front of me. If I wanted to, I could have done what ever it took. I could have put up a fight and still would have gracefully failed. There is no shame in failing especially when we put up a fight. At least we’d know the factors that influenced that outcome. We’d not bother blaming ourselves over it.
When I didn’t get things, I also thought I didn’t deserve them. Classic example takes me back to my 140 KG days. I thought I didn’t deserve the kind of happy life that normal looking mediocre people did. All I ever did was rake up those sympathies and pity from folks. I managed to avoid getting blatantly and condescendingly judged by people. I thought I had managed to salvage my dignity. I do recognize the foolishness to that now. So there I was, letting people who didn’t matter determine how good or bad I was to feel about myself. 🙂 ah well, I’ve lived a life of doing stupid things.
Anyways, the question that I asked today was simpler. Did I do all that it took to get what I wanted to get? I no longer ponder about a fate or a destiny that I cant see in any acceptable written manner. Fate and fault in my stars are still a perception of blokes whose words hold no meaning to me. I no longer question myself on deserve.
It’s far simpler , the nature of questions, these few years. Did I do all It took to get what I desired ?
Deserve is a word that does neither quantify an ability nor certify one. It is a representation of a reward system which is influenced by factors.
I’m done banking on sympathies. Feels nice, doesn’t change a thing. I choose to use sympathies like a cup of coffee shared with friends on special occasions. Once in a while, has a certain charm, leaves us feeling warm and fuzzy.
Do that everyday, and you rob the magic from the moment. 🙂