I sat worried and fixing my gaze at a distance. Things looked bleak. The walls of white could not console the barrage of thoughts waiting to erupt in my head. I sat wondering about a lot of things that I had never pondered over before.
Each time the nurse walked past me, I’d spring to life and would again sit back in a disappointment. Their tightly sealed lips offered me no hope. What to become of me?, I wondered. It was days like these where I found myself questioning the all knowing universe which mutely watched events unfold. It’s ice cold indifference left me unsettled.
Blink of an eye, I saw teams split into saffron and green. They played their cowboys and Indians and left behind a splatter of red. The very color which once signified love to me, today left me nauseous. Red was no longer the image of a red rose , waiting to patch separated hearts. Red was a reality. The color of hate was red It was a color that exposed the dormant madness that hearts housed in supreme secrecy. The madness was out. The streets were dripping red.
Trapped in that game of tug of a bloody war, I found myself without a comfort and surrounded in white. The white walls, crimson red dripping from stretchers in the hospital , I saw the irony to the moment. White, as it stood, was shroud in a blanket of red. A red of beasts. A red of hate. A red sans discrimination. It was a day of the color.
My gaze rested on this large portrait of Christ. He looked kind. Blood trickling down his face and still not a tinge of hate or anger in his eyes. I tried to read the words, but the words evaded me. The moment robbed me of a spoken wisdom. It led me to more thoughts. Why would anyone sacrifice for this world? Has this not become a world of sinners who are consumed by their evils and guilt? Has this not become the land of hate where brother takes pride in killing his brothers. There is not an ounce of thought of mercy and kindness. Blind rage. A lust for blood. A lust for vengeance over stones and mortar. Why would anyone want to give up their life for this world?
I was yanked away from my thoughts by the doctor. It’s a little serious he said. There is a lot of loss of blood.
He walked away after informing me. He needed an informed consent. The spoils of blood cannibalised on my mind of peace once again. Was this worth it? What was our sin? Was birth our only sin? Was it a sin to choose a form of worship? Was it a sin to take a different road? We meant no harm to anybody. We lived a life of peace. We wanted to be left to our own means. We choose to remain untouched to fanatic zeal that consumed many hearts.
Blood still found its way to the doors of my life. There was no escaping it.
I sat wondering about the way the world had changed in front of my eyes. Jokes at first, then jibes, then rough tackles, then harsh words and harsher actions. The pattern had been ever so simple. The taunts never stopped. I felt we were all godless. I felt that we were children abandoned by our parents and left in the wilderness of the dark. Our evolution had taken a turn and we were signing off civility and decency that took ages and ages to mature.
I sat disgusted at this new world that I was a part of. How could we do it? What good would it serve? How would the world treat us? What it worth it?
My wife got into a labour early that evening. We snaked through a violence ridden city. We reached the house of a lord by a different name and a different form and his color was different from ours. No saffron no green. His was white. St Isabella, I read the board that identified the hospital. Complications grew, and I was left with both thoughts about the world that no longer mattered to me and thoughts of my world that which mattered the most to me.
What good would we ever do bringing another child to the nightmare. Would it be worth the while to let it grow and take in the hate and madness and fill its heart with venom over words that it never got to read or never cared to read?
A shrill cry shook me away from thoughts once again. My child was here.
The doctor rushed out to greet me. Congratulations. It’s a girl he said. The mother is safe. The baby is healthy and fine. Don’t worry. Everything is going to be alright.
I rushed in. My wife rested tired from her ordeal. Her accomplished smile was a testament to her ordeal. I stole away my glance towards the new born. There she was. A soul into a world. She knew nothing but peace. Her innocence lit up the room. There was but only love in her tiny beating heart. I carried her in my arm delicately. She was pure as white in a land of many colors.
Shweta, I whispered gently into her ears. Spread your message of peace darling. I looked to the heavens and offered a silent thanks and a prayer. I’ll not name her for gods and symbols of appeasement. She’s white, please keep her so that way forever, I silently prayed.