I’ll start with an apology. The last seven years, If there is anything that I’ve learnt, its that you love it when I’m wrong and when I make that effort to bite in on my pride and apologize. I’m sorry love. I’m sorry for all the things that I put you through.
Let me in you on a secret. I’ve always loved apologizing to you. It’s always left me with a warm heart and that look in your eyes, I swear its addictive. If i could, I’d probably do everything to tick you off and spend a life apologizing to put that smile on your face.
I’m really sorry. This time , you were really right and I was being an idiot. That’s all in the past now. There is no point mulling about it now. I can’t help but sit back and reflect on the life we’ve had. As I take stock of all those million moments that we’ve spent smiling and holding hands, I also can’t help but wonder about the way you are. If I’ve managed to know you a little, Sure as hell I know that you are still stuck on the ugliness that we’ve shared across the years. I don’t blame you for it. I really don’t. It’s the way you are.
All I’m saying is that you don’t have to be that way. It’s a simple choice you know!
Now that we both have reached a point of no return, you are free to choose a life of your own making. Be the woman whom I fell in love with and married. Full of life, full of dreams and the fire within to pursuing them with absolute resolve. Be that. Don’t give up on yourself and give into hate and regrets. You don’t deserve that.
It’s easy for you to move on that it will be for me. I’ve accepted that fact and made my peace with it. It no longer hurts me. I’d like to believe that I’m at peace now. Whatever the hell that means 🙂 All I ask of you is to experience a similar state of numbed bliss. Things will pan out. Things always do pan out. Push comes to shove, we all embrace that change. Some do it willingly, some are left with no choice.
You, please do make that choice.
I miss those mornings when I’d ask you to be the wife that my mom hoped you would be. The kind of woman who’d wake up before her husband and serve him a hot cup of tea. You were never that. I loved that in you. I enjoyed waking you up with a warm cup on few mornings. I do miss that smile of love and arrogance in you. Yeah, too bad, I had it all and squandered it all away.
I sat on a lot of hurt and pain for the longest while. A life without you seemed so pointless. It was terribly hard to see the morning for what it was. A brand new morning meant nothing without a warm bright sun. You were that sun in my life. I felt like I was cast into a land of eternal darkness.
I fought it all for as long as I could. Then I fought no more. I guess that’s what the wise call acceptance. Rebelling against the obvious seemed futile from that point on.
I really do wish I had listened to you. Things may have been better.
For what it’s worth, I hope my letter finds you in a mood without a blinding rage. You were never about miracles and magic moments to life. Yours has always been a world of logic and science and numbers that quantified and proved themselves. Be a child again darling. Brave to believe in things again. Don’t be afraid to have your faith invested into something that might not be true. Who knows, miracles have way of finding us. I did find you, remember!!!!!!
Cancer sucks. I wish I had really kicked the habit. In secrecy I indulged my oldest vice. I was arrogant to the fact that I was no more immune to it’s deathly charms than the next bloke. You hated me for it. I’d apologize and you’d relent. Just couldn’t fathom the magnitude of loss I’d suffer.
I lost everything that meant anything to me . I lost you to it. I lost my life to it. I’ll never see your smile again. I’ll never live through your loving anger again. I’ll never have the moment to apologize and make up to you again. For that, I’m truly sorry.
And about miracles, If there is a way, I’ll always be around. I wont haunt, but I’ll always be there for you.
With tears in her eyes she folded the letter slow. She finally saw the day for what it was . A brand new morning.