” Nothing had changed. The world had remained the same. Time did not pause. My heart continued to beat it’s bohemian rhythm. It was in this unassuming normalcy did I realize that nothing was ever going to be the same again. The wondrous splendor of the world was lost to a void in her absence ” Karthik
He remembered the first moments that gripped his heart. A moment that defied the grounds of science and all things logic. His heart felt heavy and empty. An acute sense of sadness burdened the heart and an ushered void had left his heart empty. How could science prove that feeling? Science reduced the heart to a pump that kept the fluid of life in motion. Science knew nothing of a void. Science could define emotions and articulate the chemical reactions that the miracles of the human body plays around with in abundance. Science could never articulate what it meant to feel something. The blips of colors helped science to map the neurons triggered in the mind. Mind, the proverbial heart without the recognition that science felt that it deserved. All the wonders of science , and still clueless to what it meant to quantify a feeling.
It was not a day to debate the limitations of science or praise the dominance of emotions in a world that neither cared for either. His was a world kept beating alive by a broken heart. The cracks went deep and wide. Eyes continued to cry to offer a solace to the intensity of the moment. His arms and limbs had gone numb. He stood for a while. The notion of time had skipped past him.
It took him a while to gather his wits. He knew he was in no condition to get any productive anymore. Carefully, he drove his car back to the comforts of a blanket and an air conditioned prison of his room. He lied on the bed with his eyes gazed upon the circling blades of the fan. The mind had run blank. It was in the moment of his crushing, had he reached a zen like stillness in life. A moment of perfect union with the universe. Void of thoughts, void of a spatial sight, void of emotions, void of desires. The overwhelming sadness left him void of that pain of being hurt and broken. A near cathartic moment it had panned out to be.
How could love die ? he wondered. How could any one kill it? How does one keep it alive? Why does one experience euphoria and the miracles of god on mortal earth when there are no words to challenge that love? Why did it feel like hell when there were words that crushed the words of love?
Wasn’t it the case of words squashing words? He wondered. A yes, a no, how could they throttle a feeling? How could one embrace the hypocrisy of calling an emotion beyond the realm of words and yet choose to mourn over the same emotion through a death by another word? Wasn’t it a mere case of convenience of letting a few words instill a deep profound meaning and still stripping the worth of another few words. The new balance made no sense to him.
Love ain’t dead. What’s dead is the expectation that a connect carried, he concluded. The bridge severed, and a mighty ocean roared past the brick and concrete. That’s exactly what it was, he had come to realize. A bridge over a roaring ocean never defined the tenacity of the ocean. The ocean never really adopted the bridge as it’s own. Their’s was a story of tolerance.
The moment of clarity helped him from his emotional coma. It was not a feeling that had died. It was not what it represented that had died. It was not the feeling’s meaning that was put to sleep that day. It was the mutual conveyance of that feeling which was culled.
asato mā sadgamaya : From ignorance, lead me to the truth.
The truth to those emotions don’t fade to circumstances. They are, and will be and will ever remain in context. It’s the ignorance of wishes and desires that live and die with time.