Oh but I did have a very eventual Christmas yesterday. For the first time in a long while, I was in the city and very much at home. I sat back to reflect on the years that were Christmas to me.
The first three years of TCS, my friends and I would gang up and hit the streets in Goa. Overpriced everything, and we’d sit through the waves and unwind the toils of the year. Now that I look back, we sure were petty with our grievances. If I could re do the years, I’d probably sit and smile through it all and celebrate the time well spent with friends.
And then came B’lore. Tony’s folks would play the wonderful generous hosts. I remember getting off at Kempagowda bus stand and Tony dragging me to the shop that sold piping how vada at 4 am. It was a home away from home and I did feel both honoured and blessed to have spent a day of celebration with the family. We’d sit by the hall , watch TV and chat about life. Humour was always in the air and I do remember the smiles which have stayed with me over the years.
From playing santa to Tony’s niece and nephew to playing master chef at kitchen which was an adventure all by its own. Fun times indeed.
I sat back and lost myself to a timeline of sorts where I had a moment to unwind and treat time like a slave. I remembered the days spent lazing away and conversations brewing to mischief. The omnipresent mood of trolling and getting trolled, the random talks about aspiration over career and life, the holidays were a fun time to sit back and reflect.
The three ghosts of Christmas paid me a jolly visit yesterday. The ghost of the past made it first. He reminded me of all that I was and all that I aspired to be. Some were wistful wishes in frantic desperation, some were choices left to take , some were hopes searching for the sunlight to grow. In short, the ghost reminded me of the things I so wanted to be at one point in time. I couldn’t help but laugh at the mess that I choose to be.
All the desires in the heart and yet no sweating determination to getting them done. I thought of the lucky stones/gems of success. I giggled at snake oils and miracles that men could muster. I thought of a secret Santa with a magic wand who could swish his stick of magic and set everything alright. I had a hearty laugh alright. It was easier to laugh at the what the ghost showed me yesterday. Wounds heal to leave behind scars and scars stand to get written off as tales of a time. In time the scars serve no other purpose but to help narrate a tale of sorts. The fate of scars I tell you 🙂
The ghost had nicer things to show too. I showed me the time I spent as a musician this year. It showed me the exhilaration of doing something new that others enjoyed when they eventually got to listen. It felt wonderful. That ability to wing things without learning or certificates that would vouch me to be something. I picked a skill, tuned myself to it and let myself fly behind a new made dream. It was that simple.
The ghost showed me the meeky mouse I was when I expanded my world to meet fellow budding authors. I still remember the first time I met new faces. Strangers they were, stranger I was. Yet in a short span of 6 months, I’m in their thoughts and I found a sense of acceptance and gratification for the efforts I invest into words.
The ghost then waved me a bye and parted off with a sealed letter. Read it once I’m gone, it instructed me. I kept it aside for a moment. I was curious to rip the envelop and read it’s contents. I was a bit anxious and a little scared to the secrets that it stood to reveal. I sat contemplating my next move.
OH HELLO, a voice interrupted me. It introduced itself as the Ghost of the present. Jolly bloke she turned out to be. She took me through a quick montage of smiles that I had earned in the recent past. I saw it all. I saw the year flash by. From meeting wonderful friends, from coffees in new cities to the now accepted and well accustomed hugs of introduction, the ghost did put on a great show indeed. I sat amused at how different I was to the eyes of the two ghosts. The Ghost of the past showed me my pain and successes that seldom mattered to me. This one , she showed me the laughs and times I spent in a grateful awe with family and friends alike. The stark difference could not be dismissed easily.
What I had aspired in desperation and in despair, I apparently was living it without acknowledging the journey I’ve been through. I sat amused at how myopic my eyes were to my grandest accomplishment. In pursuit of what I thought I wanted, I had grown numb and blind to what I had become. Quietly, I took stock of what I now was and made a note to self to appreciate it a little more. Secretly , I promised myself to give myself a little more credit than I usually bothered to give.
She left me with a sealed envelop. The instructions were the same. She waved her byes and we hugged to see her off. I now sat with letters waiting to be read. The suspense had already peaked. I wanted to rip their protective cover and get straight to the secret that had evaded me for long.
What up,,, came another voice. The spook looked old. I couldn’t make it’s features from what I could see. I knew this would be the one of the future. The ghost from the time to come. I grew excited and anxious over what it had to show me.
What am I? , your friendly video rental ghost??? The spirit mocked me. GO on, I’ll wait , it instructed. Read them letters. We’ll talk about it.
I picked the letter left by the ghost of the past. I ripped off the envelop and pulled out a paper in while. Neatly inscribed were the lines
“You are what you are. You were what you were”
It made no bloody sense to me. I tossed it aside and went ahead to read the note left by the ghost of the present.
“You were what you were, and now you are what you are”
I started seeing a pattern here. Both ghosts acknowledged what I was and assured me that I was the architect of both my past and the present. There were no wands and spells of magic to alter the fate that I had managed to determine. It was all starting to make sense.
So, What’s your gyan like? I asked the Ghost of the time to come.
Be yourself. Coz sweetheart, you are what you are. What’s to come aint gonna be a surprise. If you think about it, you can either fight it and question everything around and stay miserable and hold everything around you hostage. OR, you can accept yourself and be what you are and eventually walk the road of your choosing by owning it. You wont have a scapegoat to blame, but you’d never lose respect for yourself for being you.
I guess that means, You are what you are and you will remain to be what you have always been. The ghost summed up.
Fair enough… so what’s next????
Oh me, I aint a lazy bloke like you. I have places to go and people to haunt. Hang in there… and yeah, enjoy your Monday morrow!
And with that the ghost vanished. It was a nice Christmas indeed. Sober and still ghosts.. now that made me wonder. Maybe it was the time to go easy with the cough syrup, I wondered. Maybe I was dreaming all this up. I was too lazy to figure out what was what. I knew I had something to blog about 🙂
Merry Christmas ya all, and maybe your ghosts did have things to tell you too. Hope you took the time to listen!