Yeah, I’d like to start there. The many folks who have passed me by, touched my life, left a lasting impression, left me in a state of disarray, been with me through my phases, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
The more I’ve run from it, it feels like I’m an addict who is hooked. I’m a house that seems to be haunted. Maybe plagued by it. Those are still not the right set of words that I’d use to describe it. It’s always with me. It has always been by my side. It has stood by me patiently over the years of my evolution. It waited in silence when I rejected it and exiled it away from my life. It gave me a glimpse of it’s infinite vastness when I pursued it and lost myself to it.
As fate would have it, I chose to walk it’s road. The choice was not a planned one. It happened as I happened to be. There is a sense of staying awake in me. I’m groggy. I’m neither fully awake nor are my eyes shut close to the darkness of ignorance and denial. I’m caught between faith and callousness.
It was with a very heavy heart where I moved bases from Chennai to Sheffield. I had become a stranger to my own spiritual ways. I wanted to pursue it earnestly. I had lost sight of purpose. I had lost the desire to grow and continue my evolution. It meant nothing to me at that point in time. I still do not deliberate any thoughts or actions to acknowledge my attraction towards being spiritual. I am me. Unapologetic, Unashamed of a keen realization that I’ve squandered away a gift, if I could call it that. Maybe a calling. It had to wait.
I don’t believe in coincidences anymore. I don’t question the ‘Flow’ of things. Things happen and they happen for a reason that we either comprehend, accept and appreciate, or we don’t see the whys of its occurrence. I’m not free yet. My mind finds solace in justifying my unworthiness. My heart puts up a losing battle. I am torn between loss and at the same time, the ever present, ever annoying phrase ‘all for the good’.
I am now a reluctant wanderer. While I could argue that I’ve been one all my life. I’ve enjoyed being an outcast and a misfit. These traits of mine have always kept me alienated from the joys of a common world. The denial of acceptance has nurtured me to find myself better. In my struggles, I’ve accepted myself. I still yearn for an acceptance, but I’ve come to realize that it’s in the nature of my soul to learn, endure and survive acceptance. This life and probably a few ones, I’ve come to believe that the very desire for acceptance, or denying someone their acceptance has fractured my soul. It is this acceptance that both serves to hurt me, the body and my mind , and at the same time offer me a means to heal my soul.
The key I guess rests in forgiveness. My ability to forgive myself is being put to a test. My ability to forgive others is testing me too. I don’t know how I’d fare. The anger that I once was, I now see a change. The heart no longer burns in rage. I am now a cinder, a reminiscent of great fire that once was.
The move to Sheffield stands to nurture me in ways I’m starting to recognize. Far away from a world that I left behind, far away from faces familiar, I’m growing warm and distant. It’s not detachment, it’s not apathy. There is a warm numbness that I feel. The heart grows warm over momentary thoughts and that’s that. I’m no longer gripped by memories. I’m no longer confined by strings of chords that once bridged hearts.
It’s not a coincidence that the book Aleph is now in my hands. It’s not a coincidence that I see the characters as both a part of me and part of the world that I’ve known. I feel connected to it. The nature of travel, the nature of my travel is now clear. I had to travel. The soul cannot heal in the comfort zone of the mind.
This forced maverick life of sorts has been one which I’ve both desired and feared. The few chapters of Aleph opened my eyes to the realities of the depths within me. I am this today, because there is a part of me which has been this a long time ago. The desire , the fears, they seem to be a accumulation of experiences across possible lifetimes which have brought me peace and misery.
As I lose myself to being me, the roads broaden and the miles ahead are starting shape up.
How can I find myself if I’m trapped within my own walls? It’s time to walk free. I thank you all for setting me free and showing me the way that I so reluctantly once took. Today , I think I’m going to enjoy walking down that road.