And all of me…

“I still remember what you once told me Jiju” I spoke over the phone. 

It’s funny how times change and how we change along with the changing times. The city’s been the same. London. The duration has been the same, so far. I don’t remain to be the same. I’ve been wondering about the nature of evolution. Peter, a wise and thoughtful friend, once told me that we seldom notice change as it’s happening. I think I’d extend that statement and say, if you could never spot the subtle changes in you and around you, you probably are missing the point. 

The last time I was in this city, I was different. I was an aimless blogger of sorts with a massive appetite for writing. I’m not that today. While I’m addicted to words even today, I think twice before I hit that post button. There is a parallel thought that runs in my mind each time I’m set to post. What good is this going to serve, I ask myself. It’s not a wonder that I’ve stopped writing wild imaginative fiction. I guess it was a beautiful phase of my writing and sadly I’m outgrowing it each day.

The last time I was in the city, I was self destructive. I was focussed on running and it was my only source of comfort. I hadn’t subscribed to the services in a gym. This time around, I’m enrolled. I work out as often as I can. I’m comfortable taking a break. I’ve been sick for a week now and it’s been a week since I hit the holy land. I’d be lying if I said that it didn’t bother me. I still cant shake off the guilt of not hitting the gym.

It’s both deeply satisfying and a total time hog that I’ve let a few tasks eat up my time. I’ve traded in Anime time and exchanged it for music. I’ve traded off reading time and bartered it for writing. And then I hit a brick wall, void of any creativity and went crawling to the world of epic fail funny videos in Youtube. There are always lingering traces of what I’d want to accomplish with both words and tunes. They are a constant nag. My inability to articulate insults my very existence. Frustration sweeps in from time to time and there is nothing much I can do to ease myself into a state of peace. I acknowledge the things that I want to do and still cant and carry on. 
Balance is a word that comes to my mind as I type the construct of the blog. It’s not that hard to stay influenced, hooked to a feeling and embrace a narrowed tunnel vision of the world around. It’s convenient, is what it is. Balance. I think the mysticism from the elusive nature of happiness and peace is now used to describe balance. Balance, to me, seems to be that elusive commodity. The more I want to stay in balance, the harder I find myself falling towards the dark side. Balance!!! 
I think it’s rather a futile effort to assess where we stand by viewing ourselves through the eyes of the yesteryears. I had to wage a fierce battle with the me in 2014 and the current version of me. Life was much simpler in 2014. I had fewer channels to express thought. I didn’t have hobbies that consumed time. I didn’t expose myself to a world of competition. I was very content with where I was and what I could accomplish. Things are not that very different today as well. I’m still oblivious to the world of competition, yet a little cautious about putting in that little effort to make better music. I’m still content with where I am and what I accomplish, yet hungry enough to realize that I still have a few milestones to cover. I am in need for more time and yet distinctly aware of the fact that I don’t quite manage my time effectively to ration it to feed all my interests. After much deliberated thought, I came to the conclusion that the comparison of the self across two distinct points in time was not an apples to apples comparison. There are huge differences in priorities. 

In the broader sense, much of the misery that we inherit is from the fact that the present is no match for the expectations that were set in the past. That could either be a reflection of lousy planning or could hint towards skills waiting to get acquired. End of the day, that mismatch in expectation does exist and it only exists because we chose to let it be. If you think about it, anything that we wanted yesterday and don’t have today, that gap results because we gave up. There are plenty of excuses to hide behind and the mirror is privy to the unspoken realities that our eyes shy away from seeing. 

At 34, it’s fun to reminisce about the things I heard when I was in my mid twenties. Nearly a decade ago, one of the conversations that I had with my brother -in-law was around the fact that I didn’t have the time for family. I had work and then I had friends. I had music and then I had movies to go watch. My Jiju and I decided to walk along the beach and he let me in on the biggest white elephant in the room. We always have the time for everything that we want to do. We only lack the conviction to do it. We do not prioritize them appropriately. A decade later, he and I got into a conversation this noon and the whole point of priorities came up all over again. 
I started the conversation with I don’t have the time, I got busy. I paused and laughed and I said I still remember what you once told me. We always had the time to do the things we wanted to do. We just lacked the will to prioritize them. A decade later and still holds well. 

As much as I see the world around me change, I’m also starting to acknowledge the changes that I’m a part of too. My priorities are shifting. The things I deemed super important and extremely critical have had a down grade. The things I never thought I’d ever do are moving up the priority scale. All of it makes me wonder if I’ve learnt to recognize All of me? While I’d have really wanted the answer to that question to be an assertive yes, fortunately, I’m still a stranger to myself. It’s fun to figure out an aspect of me that I didn’t have the time for before. 

All of me. Yes. That’s worth the effort to understand , recognize and acknowledge. Which brings us to the question… do you know all of you? are you aware of yourself? How much of you is only viewed through the eyes of the world rather than yours alone? 
Karthik

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