Foothills of solitude

solitude

 

I couldn’t go on this way. I felt unable to think or act. I struggled to reconcile a choice. A choice that I’ve been putting of for months now. I let my true self down. I defeated my instincts and pretended to go against the grain. In the name of keeping low expectations, I knew I had wandered away from things that kept me complete.

 

In my hour of struggle, I tried to calm myself down. It is a little strange that I didn’t perceive it as an act of desperation. It felt like the thing to do. I closed my eyes and decided to give myself a shot. I feel lost. I feel like an imposter. Have I pretended for far too long? I can’t wake myself up and decide to call all of this my world of make believe. I can’t turn the clock back and opt to ‘unbelieve’ the things I’ve accepted into my belief system. In that regard, I feel like an imposter. An imposter who started to fit into a role and was left behind filling into that role even after the last of the curtains fell down.

 

I decided to calm myself down and closed my eyes. Of the blue, I tagged states of emotions to ground with the earth. My fears , symbolized by my root. My desires, by my sacral. My expectations , by my solar plexus. My wishes, by my heart. My ego, by my throat. My dreams , by my third eye. Finally this self, by my crown. One by one, I tried to move the energies to the ground. The trace of light falling on my closed eyes seemed to fade away. I felt engulfed in darkness.

 

This felt contrastingly different. I usually associate dark to the energies and when I try to ground them, I remind myself that I’m refilling myself with light. This time around, the tables were turned. This felt comfortable. This felt right. With the distractions and clutter moving away, the illusion of light seemed to dissipate.

 

Protected in a bubble of white light, I felt secure again. It showed. It felt safe. The thoughts , now called out, there was finally a distinct lack of noise within. It was in this silence where I first observed the pulse of the body. It was disharmonious. It felt like the different parts of the body were vibrating in their own distinct course. It felt like a concert where none of the instruments were in tune or followed a rhythm. I decided to focus on my breathing in hopes of finding a balance.

 

Om Namah, I’d breath in and hold. Shiva ya, I’d breathe out. I didn’t keep track of the changes. I felt an order restored. There felt a balance. The vibrations were now in tune. To what? That I do not know.

 

As I focused on my breathing, in and out, I felt as a fetus; all alone in a vast span. I could arrive at the mistake of calling it as a fetus , all alone in a vast land. While I could perceive it as a desert, I was also sure that it wasn’t one. It was neither barren, nor it felt lush. I couldn’t identify it as a land, or a place. Vast span.

 

I felt the minuscule nature of the fetus that I was when compared to the vastness. I neither felt insignificant nor intimidated by the smallness. It was a moment of acknowledgement. Acknowledgement of what? That I do not know.

 

The feeling remained unshakeable. I opened my eyes after a while. Staying curious, I lingered to see if there was a meaning to it all. I couldn’t articulate the thoughts right into google. I didn’t know what to find. I didn’t know what I was looking for. I stumbled upon a gist on Vipassana. The name, not a coincidence. It was only last week where a colleague of mine spoke to me about it. It spoke of solitude. Not of the body, but of the mind.

 

If there is a sense to my delusion, maybe it’s about the right time to start trying to understand the nature of that solitude. It’s not about being alone or lonely. The solitary mind is at ease, because it’s unaffected – a line from the article.

 

Maybe I got to learn something. Maybe I got lucky. Maybe there is always ample time for all the lessons waiting to be learnt.

 

Karthik

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Misguided , lost but not lost

“So are you still meditating?” my dad casually asked out of the blue.

I found the question both repulsive and felt a little invasion of my own private space. ‘Nope. I don’t have the time’ I replied. It was the truth. As abruptly as my journey began, It seemingly had also ended. It was not a quest for the realisation of the self that had pushed me along that road. It.. It was what it was. It wasn’t anymore and I had rightly so predicted a few times that I would be a shameless quitter. I had given up. In mind, in thoughts. Traces of curiosity did linger on. I couldn’t explain why it stayed behind. I know I didn’t pretend this adoption. I knew I didn’t force my exit. I knew my fate rested in things beyond my control. Cat on the wall I guess.

I must have been a soothsayer in one of my births. It’s just a feeling. During the best of my spiritual days, I had seen a light made from the energies of my chakra. I assumed it was me, my essence, the real me that transcended the body. It had spoken without words. Through thoughts, it had conveyed that things would be left unreconciled. It had hinted that this body might not see the liberation of the soul. I don’t know what the sentence means. I know there is some truth to it , somewhere. Not hidden. Just beyond my comprehension.

I hit the gym this evening. I came back home. Thoughts beyond my control, I felt that rush of harboring thoughts that I din’t want to hold on to. I took to the sound of a negative energy cleanse. On a whim, I closed my eyes to reach out to an old friend whom I had given up on. The universe.

Gone are the days when I’d meditate and find comforts in the warmth of a golden yellow light. The source that I could never see. A source ┬áthat , before now, I had never actually thought existed. I would be surrounded in that light and I felt special and comfortable. Gone are the days. I feel like an unwanted bastard child of the universe now. I had walked away from it’s love and grace. Shamelessly I still knock it’s door. If only the universe would speak to me, I wonder if it would be too honest to point out the treachery that I had instigated against it. I doubt that.

I tried to call for the universe to spare me it’s light and peace. It obliged. I decided to ground myself this evening. It’s been so long. I figured I could use a cleanse. Unlike the days of my prime, I decided to stretch my bond to the very end of the earth. All the way to the other side. I’d usually stop by the core. I felt I was way too tainted to stop at the core. The bond went all the way to the other side. The bond as wide as the earth itself. It was time to neutralise the doubts and misery that rested as blackness in me.

It wasn’t swift. It wasn’t easy. Root, cleared. Sacral cleared. I still saw black but I felt the clogs unclogging within me. I reached to my solar plexus. I saw a shimmer of light. I went higher to my heart. I felt the tears in my eyes. Hurt within, fractured by my own misery, I knew the heart charka had put up a brave front for the longest of time. It felt at peace finally. The tears had cleaned and mended the cracks in the heart. I feel blessed that there wasn’t any anger that I felt. I acknowledged the pain. I let it heal. It tried to heal. I don’t know if I’m healed yet. It would probably be way too easy and I’d be way to lucky if I call myself healed. I’m a work in progress. I guess that’s the same with the heart.

I felt the light once again. Throat, cleaned as I moved the energies back to the earth. Third eye. It had never failed me ever. I could see a future. It had always brought me misery. I could see it all thought. I refused to blame my third eye for it today. It was a gift, it was a luxury that I had squandered away. I felt thankful for all it had done. I didn’t want to call it my curse today.

Before I could reach my crown, the dark blackness started lifting off. I saw what I had never seen before. The soft pulsating fire. I could always spot the soul. I’m told it’s the blue core surrounded by black and blue hue. I failed spotting my soul today. All I could see was the pulsating fire. It grew and kept growing. What started as a soft gentle yellow red heartbeat of a fire, now grew stronger. Yellow vanished and I saw red. Soft gentle red. My mind thought of it as love. Loveless, I couldn’t explain it. I decided to neither understand it nor seek an explanation. It was what it was. I’d very much like to leave it there.

I reached the crown. Cleaned and flushed of blackness within me. I severed the bond with the earth. Thanked it for graciously helping me neutralize myself. I tried to raise a wall of white light of protection. It’s something that I’ve done a lot of times in the past. Only today, there was no white. I felt engulfed in the flame. I felt safe and protected and yet couldn’t quite fathom what it all meant.

With that I saw black. I knew it wasn’t the darkness in me anymore. This black was not intimidating. This black was not made of fears and doubts. It was a void of nothingness. It felt like outer space.

And that’s that. 22 minutes later, I felt at peace. I recognized that my body had not jerked back. It had not refused or thrown challenges at me during the minutes that had passed. Thoughts had not strayed, fears had not manifested. For what it is, Thank you universe.

I made a promise to help wherever I could. I intend to honour that word.

Karthik